Dealing with Loss

Loss & The Grief Cycle: Seven Compassionate Insights on Dealing with Loss, According to Psychologists

By: The LiveWellPlaySmart Team (Based on insights from Dr. Jessy Levin, PhD, MDH, and Dr. Amanda Balakirsky, PsyD)

The experience of loss: the death of a loved one, the end of a long relationship, or a major life transition, is one of profound disorientation. Traditional models of grief suggest a linear path of stages (Denial, Anger, Acceptance, etc.). However, modern psychological insights, such as those from Dr. Jessy Levin and Dr. Amanda Balakirsky, psychologists at the Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center, emphasize that grief is a non-linear, cyclical process that demands self-compassion, not judgment.

The Live Well Play Smart philosophy embraces this holistic view, recognizing that mental and emotional health is the non-negotiable foundation for thriving. Here are seven insights that can help you navigate the process of loss and move toward integrating your grief into a long life well lived.

1. Think in Cycles, Not Lines

The most common misconception is that grief follows a smooth, progressive path. Dr. Balakirsky notes that if you reach a point where you feel better only to crash the next day, it is not a sign of relapse or failure. Grief works in loops; you may circle back to intense feelings, but you are still moving onward. This cyclical thinking frees you from the pressure of adhering to a rigid timeline.

2. Your Feelings Are Understandable and Reasonable

Dr. Levin advises against seeking a definition of "normal" during grief, as your world has been fundamentally shaken. Instead, embrace the terms "understandable and reasonable." This shift allows you to accept the full range of emotions: from rage and sadness to guilt and even relief; without self-judgment. There is no right or wrong way to mourn.

3. Treat the Pain Like a Wave

The intensity of grief can feel like drowning. Dr. Levin suggests treating the feeling of being overwhelmed as you would a wave at the shore: Allow the wave to come, but also allow it to go. You don't have to suppress the pain or fight it; you simply acknowledge its presence and allow it to pass. This practice helps build emotional resilience.

4. Be Gentle With Yourself

Grief is physically and mentally exhausting because it touches every area of life. It depletes your emotional reserves and affects your sleep and appetite. The experts emphasize the need for self-compassion. Carve out time for rest, eat nourishing foods, stay hydrated, and try not to feel guilty about needing a break.

5. Integrate the Loss to Find Meaning

Healing does not mean "get over" the loss or forget that person or loved one. Instead, healing involves integrating the loss into your ongoing life. This process allows you to find ways to incorporate the memory of the loved one as you move forward. Grief, when processed, can be a catalyst for reflecting on what matters most and empowering you to carve a new path with a renewed sense of meaning and purpose.

6. Focus on Moving Toward Functionality

The goal is to gently shift the focus from intense grief to resuming your normal activities. This integration can feel awkward at first, but it is necessary for processing the new reality. It allows the focus to shift from the pain itself to resilience and rebuilding the structures of your life, even if those structures now look different.

7. Lean Into Support and Coping Ahead

While you are resilient, you do not have to endure grief alone. It is helpful to talk about the loss with caring friends and family to process what happened and validate your feelings. Additionally, the experts suggest practicing "coping ahead" by ensuring you have a support plan in place for challenging times like anniversaries or holidays.

By acknowledging the cyclical nature of grief and treating yourself with radical compassion, you engage the mental fortitude needed to move forward.

Sources:

https://www.mskcc.org/news/coping-grief-7-things-remember-when-dealing-loss

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